When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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