not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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