New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I looked at my own cervix.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
