THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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