I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
