just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
