then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
