I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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