my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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