so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
