he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
