You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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