i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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