This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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