Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
