Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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