He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Randomize
