even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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