I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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