So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
