forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
