im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
