worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
