3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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