No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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