i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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