I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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