Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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