I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
