just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
