It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
