I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
