I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
