Where did you get a picture of my penis
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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