I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize