Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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