Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Two words: blizzard sex
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
