Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
