I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
