some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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