i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
