I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
