I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
