Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
