I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
