I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We have started to decorate penises.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
