dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
