Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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