I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
