My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
