I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
