If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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