Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
