Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
