I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
