How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Randomize
