3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
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