My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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